shut your pie hole fatty

To my fellow countrymen and women,

Oh my God, you are fat. How do I know?

Everywhere I look, there's something about weight loss. Weight loss this and weight loss that. Ads, articles and commercials abound, touting a legion of new dieting techniques and gruesome, invasive cosmetic procedures.



Recently, I ran into an article about how people are turning to prayer to help them lose weight.

Now lookee here. God has more important things to worry about, like people who are praying because they're STARVING. I can't imagine the Almighty bothering with a bunch of over-indulgent, whining Americans who can't say "no" to super-sizing it.

I'm guessing this is how the "prayer dieting" technique would go at a fast food joint.

Cashier: "Sir, would you like fries with that?"
Fatass: "Oh, dear Lord, give me the strength to say NO to the Satan fries! I REBUKE THEE, FRIES OF HELLFIRE!!!!!"
Cashier: "Sir? Yes or no?"
Fatass: (sweating profusely) "Oh help me, help me Lord!! The golden sin nuggets are calling to me!"
Cashier: "Sir?"
Fatass: (panting) "Y-Y-Y-YESSSSSSS!!!!! I mean, NO, I mean...can't...say....no....can't.........YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!"

Gee, that didn't work.

Here's a better idea. Instead of sitting on your double-wide duffs and asking God to do all the work for you, why don't you take that dripping tenderloin from your gaping jaws, find a hungry person, and give it to them instead? Then, God might see you're finally taking some initiative and help you out by sending a loose dog to chase you around the block a couple times.

I know the only true and proven secret to weight loss, and for $39.95, I'll tell you, cause I know if anything, Americans love to fatten themselves and then do all kinds of expensive, half-wit things to unfatten themselves. Actually, make that $399.95.

There is ONE WAY and one way alone. It's goes like this. Shut your jiggling trap and stop inhaling food like a cosmic black hole. Put that 1/3 pound of carnal McDonald's horror down and get an apple. Or better yet, why don't you skip eating altogether for a couple hours. Yeah, how's that for a revolutionary new diet idea, fatty! STOP EATING!! Blasphemy, you say?

Well who ever told you people that everyone is entitled to exactly three full meals a day, plus snacks in between? There are people all over the place who feel lucky when they get one good meal a day, if that. And have you holier-than-thou lard asses who've been dutifully praying for the courage to say "no" to cheese Doritos and ranch dip ever stopped to think that maybe it's WRONG that while at any given time, you have access enough food to feed a family of orcas for 6 months, people all over the world are dying of starvation? Think about that. Thinking burns calories.

And by the way, the world is watching. Oh yes, here we call it an "obesity epidemic," as though hugeness is something you catch like so much chicken pox. The rest of the world, meanwhile, sees it from a different perspective. Here are a couple of examples that will make us all proud to be 'Murkan.


Oh shit, you mean they don't come to see the Hollywood sign anymore?


WARNING: Extremely gross. Don't watch this while eating or before bed.