Proud to be a Canadian

Well not yet, but maybe soon.

Yes that's right. After the Republican convention the unthinkable has happened. John "Old Man River" McCain is ahead in the polls.

I don't understand this country. Over the last eight years, we've undertaken a fruitless, pointless 7-plus year war in which thousands of Americans and hundreds of thousands of Iraqis have been killed. The economy has taken a big shit and the jobless rate is at an all-time high – some economists call these the worst financial times since World War II. The rest of the world, including old, trusted allies, now hates us. The environment is deteriorating at a frightening rate and we – the world's biggest polluter – have done nothing at all to stop it. All this under the watch of the Republican party and its evangelical idiocracy.

Yet here we are. We've finally made it to the finish line, after all this suffering. Finally we have the long-awaited a chance at salvation, at improving our lives. And half the boneheads in this country are poised to vote the same inept bumblefucks right back into office and head right back into the same old shit storm.

It's almost hard to believe, but then I remember, this is America. Here it is your moral obligation to be ignorant about the world you live in and scoff at science. Here political decisions that affect our collective future are decided by snarky soundbites.

In any other kind of politically oriented country, I'd believe that I should stay and fight for the well being of my homeland. But this is a democracy, where the leaders are only as good as the electorate. And it says a lot about this place that after enduring what we have over the last decade, more than half the population is genuinely stupid enough to even consider voting Republican again.

I know the reasons, but let me preface by saying that if anyone is not voting for Obama because he's "inexperienced" or a Muslim, congratulations, you are a licensed moron, working hard every day to discredit Darwin's survival of the fittest theory.

There are a lot of evangelicals in this country, which is probably a big reason for McCain/Mooseburger's new lead, seeing as that Mooseburger is a big fat evangelical. Well, listen, evangelicals. You have your churches and your pastors. That is where religion belongs. When considering who should be president, you should think about policies that are good for the people of this country and good for its international standing. You should not think about deeply personal beliefs that involve sexuality and reproductive issues. Those are your choices to make, and not choices for your president to make for others. Unless you want this country to turn into a pastier, heavy-set version of Saudi Arabia or Iran under the Ayatollah, or even England under "Bloody Mary" Tudor, you better start thinking about why the founders of this country wanted to keep church and state separate. Your pastor should not be your president and vice versa. If you don't like it, there's this inconvenient fact of life here called the Constitution, so go suck on Ben Franklin's sweaty socks.

I know a lot of you evangelicals let other people (ie. James Dobson) tell you who to vote for. So basically James Muthafuckin Dobson gets to vote like 75 million times. First of all, that's not fair. Second, aren't you ashamed of yourselves? You're like a bunch of obedient dogs, doing tricks when told and slobbering for praise and treats (no offense to dogs). And it's not like you're even being obedient to God, the one you should REALLY be concerned about. Instead you're obedient to some megalomaniac dickhead who pretends like he's God and manipulates your trusting little minds to do his bidding and benefit his fat white rich pals. What if James Dobson is leading your precious souls astray? Grow up already and start thinking on your own. If you believe in God, then you should start wondering whether you're insulting Her by not using the intellectual resources you were given. James Dobson is just a dude like you and your neighbor Al. Religion is man-made. God is not religion. Chew on that while you browse the shelves at Wal-Mart.

Then there are the women voters who were borderline lesbian for Hillary. Some of you people were so obsessed with having a woman as president that when Obama beat her by a hair in the primaries, you got all sulky and vindictive, like a bunch of bratty 12 year olds. Now some of you either don't know who to vote for, or whether to vote at all. Some of you are so spoiled and mindless that you are actually being wooed by McCain's choice of Miss Personality Disorder. Now listen, beeyatches. Listen to me good.

Sarah Palin is no Hillary Clinton. Clinton graduated from Yale Law School and went on to become a successful trial lawyer. She has two decades-worth of national policy experience. As First Lady she attempted to pass a major, pioneering health care initiative, along with other legislation oriented toward health care and women's and children's welfare. Then she served almost a decade as a state senator for one of the nation's most populous, diverse and important states –New York. Oh yeah, and she also happened to become THE first woman ever seriously considered as a presidential candidate.

Hillary is a proponent of policies that advance women's rights and independence – as is Obama. But Sarah "I-don't-believe-in-sex-education-and-oh-look-my-teenager-is-pregnant" Palin, on the other hand, would set women back to the Stone Age if she had her way. Let us count the ways.

-She's anti-choice and favors overturning Roe v. Wade. Just because her family made the right decision, that doesn't mean the government should trust yours to do the same!
-She opposes birth control. That bitch.
-She is running with a candidate who REFUSED TO SIGN INTO LAW the Fair Pay Act, which aimed to protect women from pay discrimination. I guess she wouldn't mind taking a pay cut for being the first VP with ovaries.
-She's into "abstinence only" education. Yeah lady, it works really well. Ask your kid.
-She believes "creationism" should be taught in schools, because the government needs to make sure your children properly learn the teachings of the state religion. Oops, we're not supposed to have one of those!
-She's against gun control. Your kid's safety aside people, it's moose season.
-She doesn't believe global warming is being caused by humans. Your kid's future might be at stake, but what the hell, let's take a gamble and say the science is wrong. That way we can ignore it. Weee! Global warming is SUCH a party pooper.

So let me say this again. If you are a female, voting for Palin is NOT like voting for Hillary. Voting for OBAMA is like voting for Hilary. Does that make sense? I know it's complicated. Put simply:

Hillary = Obama.
Palin = Taliban.

Palin went to about five different universities before graduating with some bullshit liberal arts degree from the University of Idaho. She worked as a sports reporter and beauty queen, then mayor of a city that only had 1,000 more residents than my high school had students. She's been the governor of Alaska for all of 20 months. As vice presidential candidate she's managed to dupe some particularly dumb Americans – about half – into believing that

A) After attending plenty of Girl Scout ceremonies and prayer breakfasts as mayor of her town of 6,000 and serving less than 2 years as governor of a state that has fewer people than the City of Los Angeles, she is ready to lead what is currently the most powerful and influential nation in the world with a population of more than 300 million.
B) She told Congress "no thanks" on the notorious Bridge to Nowhere, when in fact she was all for it, until it started getting bad press.
C) There is such a thing as a "hockey mom" and there are people that give a shit

Palin is typical dumbass who happens to be a fascist dumbass who could very well become President Fascist Dumbass (sound familiar?). But she has that one quality every American seems to seek in their president these days. "SHE'S JUST LIKE ME." If it doesn't scare you shitless that the average American is going out looking to vote for people just like them, you haven't been outside. And if you really love this country and are proud of its place in the world and would like to see that continue, this thought should reduce you to tears. Now, I am also a lazy, ill-educated, over-worked, intellectually slack American, but I still believe that the president of this country should be nothing at all like me. I want someone who has gone to the best schools and achieved the best grades, and has clambered to the top of the political food chain through force of sheer determination, intelligence, drive and savviness. I want an elite, goddamnit. I don't want to hang out with them. I want them to do a good job in Washington so I can live my life the way I want and not have to worry about some fucking mediocre moron who is JUST LIKE ME screwing up in office and screwing up my life as a result.

Palin is a dishonest, ill-educated, unqualified ignoramus who was tapped because of what she is lacking, so that Americans can confuse fantacizing about barbequeing with their Vice President in their back yards while sharing stories about their pregnant kids with thinking about leadership qualities and important issues. But don't assume poor old McCain is going to live out his term, if he wins.. He's old, and he seems to get older by the minute. So if you're ok with voting for someone who could very well croak and leave in charge a woman no more qualified to lead the nation than your idiot HOA president, I hope you get lost on your way to the voting booth.